Ebay Is Barbies Pimp

I began selling on eBay to thin out my Barbie stash. I have too much of what I don’t need or want. Not all of this excess is trash, on the contrary, I have beautiful things that another Barbie fan would appreciate. Half of the people who purchase these things do, the other half are cunts. Yeah- I said, “cunts” and there can be no better indicator of whether or not your barbie-fanatic ass should be reading this new little pet blog of mine.

There are, as far as I have noticed, three kinds of Barbie nuts on eBay:

There is the sweet and beautiful soul who I would chew my left arm off before saying the c-word on their presence. The kind who just simply loves the little doll creatures and the nostalgia of having one from their past makes them smile in between baking the best casserole in the world and knitting blankets for the homeless.

There is the uptight motherfucker who would lose their shit if I said Barbie sucked in front of them. In my imagination, these folks include those who want to be her, bang her, or their dead mother has been in their basement freezer for over a decade now. Perhaps even all three of these combined comprise (compose? I never know which to use) the uptight Barbie nut I currently describe. I also imagine if they had children, those poor dears had shitty childhoods and perhaps even fear wire hangers, but I bet they have great posture.

There are those who could care less about Barbies, but it would be difficult because their amount care is so small that any less would mean they weren’t monopolizing the hell out of Barbie buyers on eBay. Pause for a moment and admire how I correctly used a term that drives many people fucking insane, there *are* times when saying, “could care less” is appropriate. These “Barbie nuts” are an ungrateful little ponce and are the reason I chose to tie eBay into this Barbie blog.

These above mentioned Barbie nuts do not encompass all barbie-buyers on eBay. There are the mommas who want to find great shit for their kids who are now at that age, or they want to locate the stuff they grew up with and share those Barbie things with their kiddos. I want to say right now that these Barbie-buyers are my favorite customers and I always add extras to their lot. I have a lot of these customers.

How do I know this is why they are buying the lot? Well, fucking hang on to your chair because I am the kind of seller who actually reaches out to buyers to either thank them or feel out a vibe as to why they are interested in what I sold them. I do this because I really do have a fuck ton of shit to unload and I find their reasoning quite endearing to my heart. I also do this because I sort of cannot help myself,  I’m chatty, and I really do like to be helpful. I like rewarding nice people if I have the means to do so.

The above paragraph ties into my number one gripe with eBay. It’s not the buyers who are assholes that piss me off the most, but they do piss me off. Instead, it is the indignant sellers who I want to punch in the fucking nose. Feedback isn’t a hostage negotiation, dickhead. As a buyer, once I pay for what I won or chose to buy instantly, I did my part. I am not obligated to unconditionally be satisfied with what arrives at my door.

If you send me some bullshit when your pictures and your description (more on this topic later) promised rainbows, I contact you, and you are unwilling to refund me, fuck yeah, you will get, and you deserve negative feedback. But- because you are a petulant child you will withhold giving me the positive feedback I deserve because it’s your only recourse for revenge. Revenge that is unwarranted.  As a buyer, I paid. As a nice guy, I contacted you before filing some official claim. I deserve my positive feedback.

“But… but … if I leave feedback first, what if they leave me unreasonable feedback and I already left them positive feedback, and they screw me and lie and end up keeping my item and their money?” Did someone tell you life was fair and just? I am so sorry. Life is not fair, and people inevitably will screw you over. It’s a risk you take as a seller. If you need an avenue to vent out your rage, I recommend this fantastic website where you can start a blog for free …

A savvy buyer who investigates your negative feedback will be able to tell if the feedback was left by an asshole. It’s not hard to do. And that same buyer will be turned off if your reply to that negative feedback was tacky and defensive. They are more likely to suspect perhaps the negative feedback was deserved. Again, if you need a safe place to throw class to the wind, get vulgar, and be tacky, there is this fantastic website where you can start a blog for free …

I begin my first blog talking about the three kinds of Barbie nuts on Ebay, but this blog will talk plenty about the general shittiness of many of the uptight Barbie fanatics I have encountered. This blog is for the fourth type of Barbie nuts (on eBay and in real life,) the people who cuss and play with dolls.

I am not saying we aren’t crazy (I have another blog for my crazy,) and I am not saying we don’t have other faults (clearly being a judgemental dick is one of them,) but I dare say, we tend to do better in social situations in regards to people not backing slowly for the door. I include the sweet barbie nuts who bake and save the whales on the weekends, and I include them because they make us feel like bad people, their sweetness makes us feel ashamed of our potty-mouths. I am grateful those sweet folks exist in this mean world, but I am too naughty to want to party with Ned Flanders. When I speak of these types of Barbie nuts, I sincerely talk about them with a warm feeling.

I reserve my scathing words for those other Barbie nut fucks.  I would not make fun of a grown ass adult for worshiping a doll if they had the self-awareness to realize the eccentricities and habits of others should not be met with such disgust.Those irritating, obnoxiously uptight bitches who have some nerve looking down their nose at anyone. Oh my, how their nerves are plentiful in their tense bodies.

I also reserve my rants for the fucked up aspects of eBay, surprisingly of which has little to do with the policies that upset so many. It’s the bad behavior of the sellers, the unrealistic expectations of the buyers, and the public’s lack of awareness that eBay fees are no joke. Sellers pay them a pretty penny. I am okay with it because I would never reach such an audience on my own.

I do wish the public understood that free shipping is only free to them, but eBay should make that more clear. Be thankful for that ten-dollar-find, guys. Sellers have to not only give eBay their cut of that sale, but PayPal takes a share. Figure in time and supplies costs (gas, shipping material, the extra data plan on our phones to be able to respond promptly,) add up, and in the end, those $9.99 sales bring us squat. Some of us just don’t see sense in having things around we don’t need that may bring joy to others.

I wasn’t glib, I write another blog about my crazy. I must say, though, my recent exposure to the world of Barbie elitist and their asshole eBay pimps make me feel more confident in my sanity.

If I have offended you, I implore you to let me have it in the comments section. Give me some insight into your mind. I want to understand you better. I want to know how those who have zero eBay scruples, pray to their Barbie shrine every night, rush to the mailbox to receive their hundreds of dollars collectors edition Barbie but refuse to give a dime to charity, or bang their giant Barbie blow-up doll have the ability to maintain friendships and relationships, assuming they have them. And if that last bit wasn’t enough to make you mad – I KEEP ALL MY VINTAGE BARBIES AND CLOTHES IN A BOX THAT MY CATS SLEEP IN.




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